Valentine's Day Disaster
by severussnape922
Summary: Valentine Day, set in the second-year, courtesy of Gilderoy Lockhart, retold in Severus Snape's own words. ONE SHOT


_Author's Note: Just a humourous story about Harry Potter's second-year Valentine celebrations courtesy of Gilderoy Lockhart, retold in Severus's POV. Both AU and canon. Please read and review. Thanks!_

_Yours sincerely,_

_severussnape922_

_**Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters belong to J. K. Rowling. I do not earn any profit from writing this.**_

Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, rose blearily from his emerald-and-silver bed. He sat up slowly. It was just another usual day, yet another day when his life was on a thin line, ready to fall into the dark abyss any time he betrayed his true loyalties to the Dark Lord. He yawned widely and slipped silently out of his bed, heading for his black teaching robes. People had questioned him (more than once) why he did not wear any other robes that were not black. He had politely but firmly refused to tell them, stating blankly and flatly that it was due to personal reasons. It was actually because, twelve years ago, he had betrayed the only one he had ever truly loved, Lily Evans. His mistake had cost Lily's life. From then on, Severus wore black robes to mourn Lily's death.

Severus frowned and knitted his brows. A niggling feeling in his mind told him that today was somehow unique. He racked his brains thoroughly while dressing in his black robes and putting on his cloak. It was only when Severus swept briskly out of the door towards the Great Hall for breakfast when realization struck him like a lightning bolt.

Today was Valentine's Day.

He grimaced visibly. He had always hated Valentine's Day, stemming back from the day when Lily rejected him. Valentine's Day was always a day that he found useless to celebrate. However, that idiot of a Gilderoy Lockhart might not exactly share his views... He shuddered at the thought of what Lockhart might have in store for the Hogwarts staff and students today.

He was still mulling over it when he walked into the Great Hall. His question was answered immediately. Severus's jaw dropped as he stared around him at the chaotic scene, unable to believe that his eyes were not playing tricks on him.

Lurid pink flowers and streamers covered the whole Great Hall, creating a rather strange atmosphere. Pink confetti was floating gently down from the ceiling, getting entangled into his robes and creating a stark contrast. Rose petals completed the atrocious look. Around him, students were giggling and nudging each other as they pointed to the new... _décor. _Severus groaned inwardly as he headed off towards the teacher's table. He could foresee a horrible day ahead.

He took his seat deliberately slow, sending his famous death glares at that imbecile Lockhart, who was presently grinning widely and toothily at everyone. He alone, out of all the staff, seemed to enjoy it. _Obviously, because he was the moron who organized all this, _Severus thought maliciously, while looking around at his fellow colleagues, wanting to take a closer look at their reactions towards this.

Minerva's eyes blazed with an indefinable fire as the eyes were directed towards Lockhart. Severus smirked. His sentiments exactly. Filius was keeping a straight face, even though Severus knew that Filius would dearly like to hex Lockhart into an insect. Filius was most definitely not enjoying this, Severus could see from subtle hints on Filius's face. Severus was not the Light's spy for nothing. Pomona looked incredibly disgusted as her gaze landed on the paper flowers. Severus understood. _What an idiot. Even if Lockhart wanted us to go insane due to his decorations, at least he should use **real **flowers, not the paper ones. _Severus thought snidely. His gaze travelled over the other teachers. The expressions on their faces mirrored his emotions towards this perfectly. Albus's reaction was the most unwelcome of all. Albus was smiling benignly at Lockhart's pathetic attempts to celebrate Valentine. Severus desperately wanted to hex Albus into oblivion for even agreeing to Lockhart's so-called 'moral booster', but he controlled his emotions with much difficulty

After regaling himself with a few creative deaths for Lockhart, Severus's attention turned towards his food. He winced as he brushed the irritating pink confetti off his eggs and bacon. _How the heck can that jerk Lockhart allow his 'decorations' to land on our food? What a smart fellow he is, I'm sure! _Severus thought sarcastically to himself. He refrained from looking at Lockhart, as he knew that the 'former' part in his description, 'former Death Eater' would be revoked immediately and he would probably _Sectumsempra _and _Crucio _that idiot. He ate his breakfast in stoic silence, with a blood vessel on his forehead throbbing violently.

When the whole school had finally finished their food, Lockhart, with a beaming face, waved his hands for silence. More than a few giggles started at his actions, but they soon petered out into silence. Severus closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. Severus wasn't exactly sure that he wanted to listen to what Lockhart had to say. _Probably an explanation to all this decorations around us. _He thought to himself, while averting his eyes from that repulsive Lockhart. He felt certain that he would gag at the mere sight of Lockhart, whom he refused to acknowledge as a fellow _colleague. _That was far too much.

"My friendly, card-carrying cupids!" Upon hearing Lockhart utter that ridiculous statement, Severus snorted. The gnomes looked anything but lovely and friendly to him. Severus was willing to bet his life that Lockhart had bribed the gnomes to do this horrible job for him at an exorbitant price. When Lockhart continued his overly cheery speech, Severus turned steadily redder and redder. "Why not ask Professor Snape how to whip up a Love Potion!" Lockhart exclaimed gleefully. There was much giggling at this news. Severus shot one of his famous death glares at everyone, signifying that anyone who even _dared _to ask him that did so on pain of death.

When Lockhart declaimed that the students should ask Filius about how to perform Entrancing Charms, Filius buried his tiny face into his hands. Severus, for once, sympathized with Filius. _Filius must be darn embarrassed by Lockhart's completely insensitive remark. _Severus thought as he swept out of the Great Hall for the first Potions class. Severus was secretly grateful for the respite, he was hundred per cent sure that he would curse that pathetic excuse for a _teacher _if Lockhart uttered another word.

Severus glided into the dungeons, looking like an overgrown bat as usual. He moaned silently. It was the second-year Slytherin and Gryffindor. Severus was pretty sure that Albus put them together to guarantee a bed for the Hogwarts teachers at the insanity ward, but he could never confirm his suspicions. Putting Slytherins and Gryffindors together were a sure-fire deadly combination. Especially Potter and his pathetic sidekicks, Weasley and that insufferable know-it-all Granger with Draco and his troll-like friends, Crabbe and Goyle.

He snapped at everyone, "Don't irritate me. I already have a bad enough day as it is." The Slytherins nodded sympathetically at their revered Head of Slytherin while all the Gryffindors looked nonchalant at the news. Severus drew out his ebony wand rapidly, flicked it at the blackboard and made a potions recipe appear on the blackboard. Then he said a single word, "Brew."

Everyone got busy. For the first five minutes, there was much unpacking of ingredients, much stoking at the cauldron fire, (and much swear words at the wood's apparent inability to burst into flames quickly. Severus sank into his chair wearily. He hoped fervently that none of the 'card-carrying cupids' would come for him. However, he thought that it might possibly happen as a twisted joke of the Gryffindor's. He promised himself that he would dock fifty points from Gryffindor if they did so.

As if on cue, on of the 'cupids' slammed open the heavy dungeon door and stumped towards him. Severus watched it with some apprehension. What was it here for? He thought he knew already, but he didn't want to think about it. The student's attention had been attracted towards the 'cupid' when the slam of the door had broken their concentration. The Gryffindor students were nudging at each other and were smirking, most of all Potter. They knew what was coming. Severus covered his ears and moaned. He was never going to live it down!

The heavily dressed gnome spoke gruffly to him, "I have a Valentine message for you." Severus groaned. The cupid started plucking at the enormous harp it was holding. Severus was dearly wishing he could yell at the 'cupid' to shut it. The horrible grating sound was really getting on his already highly strained nerves. Just when Severus thought it couldn't have been worse, the gnome started singing in an off-key voice:

_"His silky hair is raven,_

_His lovely eyes are jet black,_

_He is so wonderful,_

_That love for him I will never lack._

_Severus Snape, be my Valentine,_

_For you are simply divine."_

There was a stunned silence at these words. Then some audacious pupils started _sniggering! _Severus eyed them annoyedly and angrily, remembering to dock a hundred points from Gryffindor the next chance he got. He turned his gaze back at the gnome, hastily and anxiously asking, "Who is the sender?" Severus waited for an answer hopefully, but his face fell when the gnome gave his answer while shrugging its shoulders, "I don't know, and I don't particularly care."

Severus sighed deeply and audibly, then let the gnome go. He had so been hoping to get his hands on the idiot who actually dared to send him that. He had envisaged in his mind's eye a torture session with the offender. Pain... pain... that was what the victim was going to get. He fingered his wand lovingly, while absent-mindedly telling everyone to continue brewing their potion. Severus sat into his wooden chair and amused himself with imagining innovative deaths for the offender. What he had cooked up in his mind would make anyone in the right mind shiver with fear.

* * *

When he irritably dismissed the whole class, he stepped out of the dungeon fast, intending to get back to his private quarters to take a swig of Headache-Relieving Potion. His headache caused by Lockhart's so-called cupid's message was killing him. However, he did not get what he wished. Just as he stepped out of the classroom, he was surrounded by a veritable swarm of giggling girls. He fixed the apparent leader with a basilisk stare, asking curtly, "What do you want?"

His words started yet another fit of giggling. Severus tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for a coherent answer from one of the girls. There was much whispered discussion among themselves, then one finally asked, "Please, Professor Snape, how do you brew a Love Potion?"

Severus froze, unable to believe his ears. Then, with eyes like chips of ice and in a voice of deadly calm, he asked quietly, "What did you just _say?" _The leader repeated her question. Severus smiled maliciously. The girls took a frightened and nervous step back. Professor Snape smiling like that never meant any good. He hissed silkily at the girls, "Detention with me until the end of the term. And fifty points from Hufflepuff." With that, Severus swept off, seething with rage. How dare they ask him a question like that? They completely deserved what punishment they got!

* * *

Severus walked into his beloved private chambers wearily. He had set a new record for the most points taken in a day: One hundred and eighty five. He slammed the door, padlocking it with the old-fashioned Muggle locks. It was far better to be safe than sorry. He exhaled slowly, sinking back into his soft bed. It had been an extremely trying day. He was glad to be back into his chambers. As he dressed himself in green nightclothes, Severus made a mental note to personally strangle that thick-headed jerk and moron Lockhart the next chance he got.


End file.
